Gimme a couple of cantaloupes and a bag of M & M's
The attorney I once worked for gave me the March 24,1997 edition of U.S. News one day, and told me to be sure and read the article on M & M's in it. So that evening I took the magazine home with me and read it. Including the article about the M & M's. Now I understand that damn commercial about the green ones. For those who have always wondered about that commercial, it seems the green are considered aphrodisiacs. It is also apparently thought by some, that the orange ones are supposed to augment breast size. The boss new I am constantly searching for ways to augment my breast size without the aid of surgery or foam rubber, so he couldn't resist giving me that edition of U.S. News.
Then I made the mistake of letting my husband, read that article. The next day he comes home from work with several big bags of M & M candy. He then proceeds to start diligently sorting the candy. In one bowl he had the green M & M's. In the other he had orange M & M's. Now every time I turn around, he is feeding me a handful of orange M & M's. He told me I can have the other colors after I eat all those orange ones. He says the green ones are for both of us.
Not only that, but the boss also sorting out those damn orange ones, and giving them to me. Of course my boss was always teasing me about my cleavage, or rather lack of. Unfortunately he was as eloquent in his sarcastic description of my board like figure, as he was when cross examining a hostile witness. He once asked a witness who complained that her sex life with her husband was infrequent, if she meant infrequent as one word or two. He says that I make Twiggy look positively buxom. And tells me the only way I'm ever going to get cleavage is if I go out and buy some. Of course I just keep telling him I have better things to spend my money on than breasts. Although I sometimes do envy other more well endowed females. It isn't that I want boobs the size of watermelons, but a couple of cantaloupes would be nice.
And as fate would have it, after he read the first draft of this, a man came in selling fruit. The boss bought some and then informed me, with a big grin on his face, that although they didn't have any Pecos Cantaloupes, there was a couple of grapefruits that were just the right size if I wanted them. The boss was such a damn comedienne.
One day after a busy morning of defending the innocent, all our clients were innocent until proven guility thank you very much, the boss was kicked back watching some daytime talk show when something came up about employers who hire women according to their breast size as opposed to their mental abilities. The boss looked over at me, started laughing, and said, "You know it's a good thing I don't have that attitude, or you would be out of a job."
"Yeah." I replied. "It's a good thing God gave me some brains, because he sure as hell short changed me in the boob department. Mom always said it isn't God's fault though. She claims when God was handing out tits I thought he said grits. And I said I didn't want any of those."
The boss was always making some wise ass comment about my weight. One day he told one of the new girls in the offic that the reason the police like to frisk me is because they only have to make two passes. One straight up and one straight down. The boss claimed the patting down maneuver is completely unnecessary in my case since anything bigger than a M & M would show up as a definite bulge with my build.
I'm sad to that at least in my case, the orange M&M's didn't work, and I am still as flat chested as ever. The upside of that is that at least I don't have the sagging problem some women do as they age. Though to be honest, there are moments I would glady deal with that problem just to have a little cleavage.