Hey! You knotheaded aliens listen up!

I was watching a recent Sightings program to catch up on the latest in alien sightings and close encounters, when it occurred to me that I was not impressed with the aliens current choice of subjects to abduct and examine. The aliens are apparently abducting and performing intensive examinations on innocent bystanders all over the world.
It seems some of the menfolk that have been abducted, have been subjected to intensive examinations which include being probed in a certain place that most men would rather not be probed in while laying helpless and under the control of some wide eyed little alien.

As I watched the program, I thought of all the men I know that could really benefit from such an intensive examination though, and I couldn't help but become even more disgusted with the choice of folks the aliens are currently abducting, and subjecting to such examinations.
After the show I even went so far as to go outside and yell a few helpful hints to the sky, on the off chance the aliens might be watching me, even as I had been watching a show about them. If you live out in the middle of nowhere, and gradually get family members living with you accustomed to such behavior, you can do this kind of thing without having men in white coats immediately show up on your doorstep. If you are really bent like a corkscrew though, you write about it and simply assert you were conducting research for an article, should the men in white coats turn up on your doorstep.
I began my conversation to any aliens that might be listening by loudly exclaiming to the apparently empty sky, "Hey! You knot headed aliens listen up! I know some two legged varmints you little wide eyed dudes need to be examining!" I then began to point out the various benefits of abducting and intensely examining a few two legged varmints I knew.

I explained how I honestly could not think of any subjects that would be more interesting to, and deserving of, a really thorough alien examination, than the ones I had in mind for them . "They are positively perfect examples of de-evolution in action!" I cheerfully told the apparently empty sky. And I pointed out to any aliens that might be listening, that they would be doing humanity a favor should they decide to thoroughly examine these individuals.
And to cover all bets, I even took a clothespin and pinned a note with my suggestions for truly deserving research subjects, to our tallest mesquite bush.
I would like to point out here, that at no time in this apparently one sided conversation, nor in my note, did I once resort to using any form of subliminal mind control to persuade any aliens that might have been listening, to rethink their choice in abductees. I stuck strictly to logic and reason. I did this because I have always felt logic and reason to be the most useful tool one could use in any conversation with aliens. No matter how one sided that conversation may appear to be.

I hope any aliens that were listening to me, or that come across that note I pinned to that mesquite, take my helpful suggestions to heart. If they do I will have my succeeded in my goal of directing aliens to subjects that are more deserving of their intensive probes than their current choice in abductees are. Not to mention, that if I find out certain individuals have come up alien abducted, I will have proven to myself once and for all, that aliens really do exist. And that they can be beneficial to humanity if guided by the right blonde.
Special Update Alert!

It has just come to my attention that there is a new type of online alien threat! I am including with this column, the warning I sent out to those on my Special Friends List.

Ok friends now we all know about those little wide eyed aliens that will abduct people and perform all kinds of extensive examinations and probes on them. It just so happens I am currently working on a column about such abductions. And how we might could put those little wide eyed dudes to work for all humanity.

But apparently the aliens have discovered how to go online. Which when you think about it, seems perfectly logical. They can travel the universe, so learning how to go online should be a piece of cake for those little wide eyed dudes. Right?
Anyway, an online friend of mine, Aussie Jen, was telling me about an online encounter she had with a dude who claimed to be an alien. A horny alien at that. But he was bit too kinky even for my friend Jen. Seems he wanted to have carnal knowledge with her eyeballs. Yeah, really! This supposed alien wanted to have intimate hot carnal knowledge with Jen's eyeballs. No he didn't want to you know what them out of her. He simply wanted to you know what them period!

Reckon this strange sexual behavior might be why those dudes are so wide eyed to begin with?
After talking to Jen, I decided I should maybe let my special friends know about this new online threat so ya'll could protect your eyeballs. Now you've been warned! Jen said this strange encounter occurred while she was on ICQ. But I bet those little wide eyed dudes have discovered AOL here in the States too, so watch out everybody! ;)