Celebrity & Movie Humor

I would call him smug

Is it my imagination? Or is a certain bald genie type dude, getting better looking as time goes by? I vaguely remember watching commercials with him in them as a child, while my mom ironed. But it seems to me he looked a lot different then. I just don't remember him being that darn attractive back then.

We have all seen some actors and singers make some drastic transformations over the years, but I am beginning to think a certain genie is becoming a bit of butterfly himself. Hasn't that he gone from a plain whirlwind type genie, to a rather buff looking bald dude, over the years?

But it seems to me, that he is getting beyond just the buff stage lately. Is he getting more attractive because I'm not really seeing him as well as I did I when I was a youngster, and my glasses weren't as strong as they are now? Or is he is really improving with age? Or I am getting to be a dirty old woman? I just don't remember looking at him quite the same as a child, then, even as a young woman, as I do now.

I have been buying that certain brand of cleaner for years in the hope that one day when I opened the bottle, I would get a big bald genie type dude that would clean my house and possibly perform other chores for me. But it wasn't until the last few years I started redefining in my mind, some of those other chores. It wasn't only that baldy kept getting better looking though, that made me take a look at just what type of chores he might be useful at, it was also the smug smile on the face of that happy housewife in that one commercial.

I had come to the conclusion that happy smug smiling little housewife in that one commercial, was keeping him locked in a closet and away from the rest of us girls, until I saw that car commercial on T.V. the other day. Soon as I saw him standing there winking at me, I knew why he was too busy appear at my house. And since they did ask what I would call him, "Smug", that is what I would call him. Both him and that happy little housewife. You don't see that happy housewife's husband looking very smug now, do you? No you don't, heck, you don't even see her husband at all. Maybe Leo better be glad baldy didn't decide to appear in any ads for Titanic. Leo might not be looking so smug as he is right now, if baldy had muscled in on his action.

Seeing all this lead me to ponder the following questions. Is that her house he is coming out of in that car commercial? If it is her house, is this the first time he has been outside that house in who knows when. How does her husband feel about all this? Who gets to drive the new car? What brand of tennis shoes is that buff bald guy going to be wearing in future commercials? And, will he next be telling us not to leave home without it?

Whatever the answer to these questions, it is a sure bet he is going to be too busy to appear at my place any time soon. Think I'll start paying closer attention to the commercials on the television, and make an informed decision about what new cleaning product to switch to next time I go shopping.
Fabio really gets the bird

Fabio got an added thrill Tuesday while promoting a new roller coaster ride called "Apollo's Chariot." Sometime during that rapid roller coaster ride, the fab Fabio was struck in his big handsome face by an oncoming bird. Fortunately, the hunky Fabio did not receive any serious injuries to that handsome face of his. I think the one inch cut he did receive, should add some character to that blandly beautiful face of his.

But there is such a delicious sense of irony in all this, it makes me wonder, did Zeus, being bored on this particular Tuesday, look down upon the goings on at Bush Gardens, and then turn to Apollo and say, "Look at those mortals down there Apollo! They have named a thrill ride after you! Isn't that nice? And they are using a Modern Day 'Adonis' vs. Ancient-Day 'Sun God' theme, to promote it! And look at the women he's got all around him! Just think, if he really believed in us like that goofy blonde Morris hangs out with does, he would probably share with you!" And did Apollo then turn to Zeus and say, "Oh yeah! Well he may be riding in a 'chariot' named after me, and he may have all the girls, but let me show you how this 'Ancient Day' Deity gives a pretty boy 'Adonis' like that the bird!"

Which leaves me wondering, if my theory is right, did Apollo send his message on the wings of a snow white dove? The story doesn't say what kind of bird it was that struck Fabio in the face. I figure it can't be much bigger than a dove though, or he would have sustained worse injuries than he did. Which is why he should look on the bright side of this incident, and thank Apollo himself, that wasn't a west Texas buzzard that collided with him while he was riding in that speeding chariot.

And after seeing the picture that accompanied this story, I couldn't help but wonder to myself if Fabio is having as much trouble believing that was really a bird, as we do with believing that stuff we slather on our muffins, is really butter. Though in all fairness to the absolutely gorgeous, but somewhat perpetually confused hunk, anybody might have a little trouble believing he or she had just been struck by an oncoming bird, while taking the newest thrill ride at Busch Gardens. I mean, when you think about all the terrible things that can go wrong on a roller coaster ride, being struck right between your baby blues by a bird, is really the last thing one would expect. Being splattered by something that definitely isn't butter, might raise an eyebrow in a situation like this, but being decked between your eyes by the bird itself, is the kind of event that might leave anybody a wee bit dazed and confused.
Just how much Fun can you have on a Blowflex?

Larry and I were watching the television the other day and it was one of those rare moments when I happen to have had control of the remote. We were discussing the possibility of me giving him back the remote when my favorite commercial came on. As soon as Larry saw it was the Bowflex commercial, he knew he wasn't getting that remote back until the commercial was over. That dude in the Bowflex commercial is one of the few things on television that I find truly pleasant to view. In fact, if I knew for sure that stud muffin would be in that information video they advertise, I would probably order the video just so I could turn him on any time I wanted.

As Mr. Bowflex was telling me how I should order that video and see just how much fun it could be working out on a Bowflex machine, Morris the maniacal muse, suddenly made an appearance and perched himself in his usual spot on my right shoulder. Naturally his first comment was to the effect that the Bowflex machine is not what I was sitting there thinking about having all that fun with. I just slapped the mean natured little kill joy off my shoulder and went with on with my fantasizing though.

Then the commercial went off, but just as I was about to hand Larry the remote back this tall dark and handsome dude came on and informed me he was the host for the upcoming show all about treasures. I couldn't tell if this guy was in as good of shape as the Bowflex dude because he was wearing this real elegant suit. But even covered up like that, he was definitely eye candy as far as I was concerned, so I told Larry I had changed my mind and I wanted to watch this program all about how to find lost treasures.

Larry mumbled something about it not being the treasure I was interested in. Morris, who was once more perched on my shoulder, snidely said, "Hey blonde, looks like you found something as good as that Bowflex stud muffin to keep your short attention span on track for the next hour."

To which I replied, "Yeah those folks that produce this program were smart enough to have a host that a lot of women will probably consider a bigger treasure than anything else that gets found on this show. And Morris, if you don't shut up and let me watch this in peace, I'm going to slap your little muse behind right off my shoulder again."

I may have made a mistake by insisting we watch that show though. By the time it was over Larry had decided he wanted a metal detector so he could go out and look for lost treasure. Of course, hunting around out here in these sand hills for treasure sure would keep him occupied for a long time before he found any. Meanwhile, I would have control of the remote because I would be at home in my recliner watching my idea of real treasure.
Why is Jane naked, but Tarzan isn't?
There was a time I thought old black and white movies never contained any nudity. But I was wrong. I learned how wrong I was while watching an old black and white movie called "Tarzan's Mate". Now you probably think I'm just talking brief loin cloths here. But I am not. No, I am talking full nudity.

Yes people, Jane is swimming buck naked in that movie. I am serious here. I'll admit you never got to see much more than her naked rear end. But still, where the hell were all those censors they were supposed to have back then? Not that I am for censorship, I hate it in any way shape or form. But, how in the blazes did they get away with showing Jane's naked butt? I was always under the impression that in those days a nude scene such as that would have would wound up on the cutting room floor. Yet there she was, naked butt flashing in the sun dappled water.

Another thing I noticed, even before the naked butt scene, was that Jane's little loin cloth only covered the front and back of her lower anatomy. Her thighs were like totally exposed. I was shocked. It wasn't the naked thighs themselves that shocked me. No it was that those naked thighs were in that old of a movie. But then the naked swimming scene came up, and I knew I was going to have to rethink my attitude towards old moves. Maybe even watch a few.

Once I got over the shock of Jane's being naked, I noticed that Tarzan wasn't naked with Jane in that scene. And that bothered me. How come Tarzan got to keep his loin cloth on? But Jane didn't? If Jane was naked, then by heaven's Tarzan should have been too. It is only fair and equal. Doesn't this smack of discrimination to you? I hate that when they show the women naked and not the men. It hacks me off. If you are going to make a film with scenes that appeal to the baser nature of men, then by Odin's eye patch, make scene that appeals to the baser nature of women as well. Or better still, why not just ditch all the gratuitous nudity and make a move with a better plot. I personally prefer a movie with a good plot, to a movie with a bunch of naked women, or men for that matter.

I'll tell you something else that bothered me, those gorillas weren't real gorillas. They were actually men in very very bad monkey suits. Most of the other animals appeared to be the real thing. But not the gorillas. Why was that? I mean they had real elephants, lions, rhinos, etc. But the damn gorillas were fake. And really bad fakes at that. If anyone reading this knows the answer to my question please e-mail at bb@beyondblonde.com and let me know. It bothers the hell out of me that just the gorillas seemed fake. I think that alligator, or crocodile, I'm not sure which, was real most of the time, though in some scenes I did wonder. But the gorillas were always obviously fake. Why?

I also couldn't help but think that at the rate Tarzan was killing off the wildlife in that movie, it isn't any wonder so many animals in Africa are becoming extinct. About the only kind of animals I didn't see him off were the elephants, the monkeys and the fake gorillas. I tell you, this movie was filled with violence. He even killed a young rhino. With nothing more than a knife. Of course the violence was not in such graphic detail as it would be now. But it was there none the less.

The violence itself isn't what bothered me though. As long as we have violence in our society we will have books and films made about violence. And you know, even if we had no violence in our society, who's to say some author or film maker wouldn't invent it? No what bothers me is a lot of folks hold these older movies up as examples of what is considered good family viewing. Yet there was Jane with her naked butt flashing in the sun dappled water, and Tarzan killing wildlife off left right and center. And if I were a young mother who was concerned about nudity and violence I would probably think it safe to let my child view that old movie. Well after this, my advice to young parents is this, better watch that old black and white once yourself if you are concerned about nudity and violence. What is in some of those old movies just might surprise you.
Where did they that get them torpedo shapers from?

Larry and I were watching a movie on AMC tonight called Chief Crazy Horse. It had Victor Mature and an extremely well endowed actress by the name of Suzan Ball in it. Victor Mature played Chief Crazy Horse and Ms Ball played his wife. As Larry and I sat there watching the movie I couldn't help but notice the Chief's wife sure as heck had a peculiar look about her for being an Indian squaw out on the plains.

Finally, I realized what looked so out of place here. Besides the fact that she was wearing more war paint than her hubby did when he went on the warpath, she was not built like I thought a squaw should be. So I turned to Larry and said, "Hey honey, don't you think it kind of odd an Indian squaw is not only that well endowed, but seems to have acquired one of them torpedo shaper brassieres as well?"

To which Larry replied while he was ogling those torpedoes, "Nah honey the braves probably took it off what was left of some settlers wife, before they burned up the wagons and stuff."

To which Morris, who had been sitting on my shoulder just waiting for an opening like this, inquired, "Yes, but how many settler's wives do you think those Indians had to go through before they found her cup size?"

Sometimes, it is like living in the middle of a MSK episode from hell around my place. Instead of robots and and apes though, I have to deal with Morris the maniacal Muse, and my husband Larry

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Then later during the movie I noticed the Chief's arms didn't match his face. His face was a real dark bronze. His arms however were another story. They looked liked he had stole them off of one those pale face settlers. The must of had a hell of a medicine man in that village.

It was hard to tell if the Chief's wife was an all over redskin or not. She was covered head to toe in some real pretty dress that fit her so well, them braves must of took it off the same settler's wife they swiped the torpedo shapers from.

I also noticed that at times all the Indians' hair had a tendency to look sort of like a badly trod upon beaver pelt. Frankly, the horse's looked better groomed than some of those Indians did. Must of had a bad batch of bear grease there or something when they was rubbing them braids down. Either that, or those Indians were suffering from the worse case of a bad hair day I ever saw.

Of course, Custard wound up having an even worse bad hair day up there on the Little Big Horn before the movie ended. Though by the end of the movie, the Indians were defeated and surviving the reservation became their way life. So historically speaking the movie wasn't totally off base.
Those predators were NOT silent! And that brunette was an idiot!

I love horror movies. Especially horror movies that contain just enough of what appears to be the truth in their otherwise convoluted plots, to make you wonder if it could really happen one day. The latest made for television movie, Silent Predators, qualifies as just such a movie. In this made for television movie an overly aggressive tropical rattlesnake escapes into the California countryside after the truck taking him to the zoo crashes. This overly aggressive foreign snake then interbreeds with his more laid back California cousins. This of course produced offspring that are highly aggressive killer snakes. Twenty years later, land development set this new breed of overly aggressive, highly toxic snakes abuzz. After watching this movie, I became curious about a few things and decided to do a little online research concerning tropical rattlesnakes.

The fact is, there really are tropical rattlesnakes. They are considered by some to be the most dangerous species of rattlesnake. Their venom is largely neurotoxic. So, if you had a truck tip over and introduce such a snake into the California ecological system, it could possibly mate with its more laid back kissing cousins. That however, is about all that is factual or feasible about this movie. The villain, the obligatory blonde, and the troubled hero, were the usual one deminsional cardboard cutout stereotypes. Though I'm happy to report that the blonde wasn't the biggest dummy in this movie. But, as in many horror movies, necking proved to be hazardous to the health of at least one young man.

The majority of the people at risk from overly aggressive rattlesnakes in this movie, appeared to be either oblivious, or unconcerned, about said risk. Take the necking scene. The one where that young couple wanders off into the woods to play their own little game of pet of the trouser snake. The buzz of a rattler is suddenly clearly heard. But the young man appears to have never heard the buzz of rattlesnake before. Get real! Even if the kid had never stepped foot outside a house until that day, he would have heard that distinctive buzz, and seen pictures of the triangular head and lethal fangs which are attached to the other end of that natural noisemaker, at least a dozen times on television by the time he was twelve. National Geographic runs a snake special at least once a year, and that program always includes a segment on rattlesnakes. I'm not even going to comment on how unreal it is that only two people, one of which was a blonde, seemed concerned about the fact that the victim had apparently died within SECONDS of being bitten by a snake.

Then you had that scene where that woman drives into her garage, and gets her ankle bit. Now earlier, she and another woman had in fact been seen discussing the fact that the woman who eventually got bit, was going to be staying at a Bed and Breakfast Inn that night because her house was going to be fumigated for overly aggressive rattlesnakes. Yet she pulls up in her garage, and steps out of her vehicle without even glancing down. Now city dwellers may find nothing odd in this behavior, but to a person who lives in west Texas, and who has found as many passive rattlesnakes in her garage as I have, this behavior isn't just silly, it is patently suicidal. The good news is, it was an oblivious brunette and not a 'dumb' blonde who failed to look before she leaped, or in this case stepped, to her untimely death. As I watched this oblivious brunette step smack dab into the middle of her untimely death, Morris declared with glee as he pulled hanked the lobe of my ear, "Hey blondie! There is one less oblivious brunette that is going to be contributing to the gene pool! And with luck, dear old dad will marry a blonde now, and give that brunette's kids the stepmother they deserve!"

And by the way, if you are going to make a movie about overly aggressive rattlesnakes, why call it Silent Predators?