Beyond Blonde

They Feel Just Like Gummie Bears

Up until now I thought my sister's transvestite cat was the weirdest pet I had ever heard of.  Then I began to read this story about an American dog getting the first set of new and improved canine silicone testicles.   Frodo, a Chinese pug aged 16 months, was the lucky recipient of the first pair of new and improved  testicle implants.  CTI president Gregg Miller, who invented Neuticles, says this new softer silicone version of Neuticle is more authentic and has the feel and texture of a gummie bear.

A gummie bear?  Now when I read that my little blonde eyebrows popped clear up into my hairline.  My untrustworthy sidekick Morris started laughing so hard he nearly fell off my shoulder.  "Excuse me?" I said as I pushed him back up onto my shoulder,  "A supposedly trained scientist has just described dogs' gonads as feeling like gummie bears?  And they are going to neuter the dog here?"

"Oh sure blonde," my maniacal little muse snickered,  "Can't you just see some veterinarian scientist in white scrubs, scalpel poised above a Doberman's gonads.  His fellow scientists, hard at work on an authentic feeling substitute, seeing what he is about to do,  yell at him, "Hey, before you snip those off, what do they feel like?" And squinting in thought behind his coke bottom lenses, his scalpel free hand busily fondling the Dobermans gonads, he replies, "Gummie bears!  Boys, these gonads feel just like gummie bears!"

And as I sat there with that picture implanted in my mind, I realized a very profound truth.  I would never again look at gummie bears or scientist quite the same way.  Sighing sadly at my lost innocence I continued to read the story so I might pass on this wisdom on to others.  And why do scientist want authentic gummie bear feeling dog  testicle implants?  So when your canine companion is neutered, he has a pair of realistic gonads to replace that pair they just snipped off.  The theory being as long as he has something there that looks like gonads, and feels like gummie bears, he won't realize he's missing anything.

Personally, I think if we are actually breeding dogs so stupid they can't tell real gonads from silicone replacements that feel like gummie bears,  then we should be neutering those animals. If for no other reason than for the good of the entire canine gene pool.

But this whole concept of testicle replacement is not a new issue it seems.  Already, 14,560 pairs of its less expensive, hard polypropylene Neuticles have been implanted in dogs and cats in all 50 states and nine other countries in the past three years.  These implants are harder than the new ones and do not have the same authentic gummie bear feel as the new ones do.

This story sure gives a whole new meaning to the term, a dogs life, though doesn't it?  And friends, what is next?  Silicone breast implants for female dogs who feel inadequate?